(wrote this post in January and forgot to publish)
2017 was a year that called for all my energy to be compressed into every given moment (i.e., the daily delights & demands of raising Emma-Joy) as well as allowing (or choosing to be okay with) all my energy to be dispersed & scattered over there, right here, and far over yonder.
This was disorienting. I wanted order and things to follow my stream of logic. I wanted all that I had assumed to be done with to be neatly packaged in a labeled corner – a bright red ribbon on top to flash its finality. But as disorienting as it was, I realized the only way to prevent myself from getting seasick & nauseous was to look at what was going on in the eye (however much I wanted to avert eye-contact). Straight in the eye, I looked and I saw a God who unravels in waves. A God who redeems, redirects, rejuvenates, and reconciles. This meant I had to make a resolve. To walk away from my natural instinct to swing to one extreme and make myself at home. It meant to swing in higher frequencies of lesser degrees, comprised of trial + error, in a place that is (a word my clients will roll my eyes at) the tension. The resolve to sit in it under that which I proclaim to be truth, to be absolutely worthy. This meant reaching for the tucked away dusty boxes, unpacking the tight wrapping and revisiting what was held inside. Locking eyes with the terrifying fear of disappointment (yet again). Standing my ground in very foreign territory. This meant telling myself: resurfacing does not negate all that has been to this very point. And it does not translate to being back at square 1.
It meant: Hi, past Yoon. Meet current Yoon. You two look wildly and dramatically different. Night & day, really. But the reality is, you two are the same person built upon your day-to-day history with God. There is a continuity of you – past yoon – to you – current yoon. And that continuity strings seamlessly because of His narrative over your life. And that’s something worth attention + celebration.
2017 was a year of stringing the then + there to the here + now – holding fast to the living hope for what lies ahead.